Peter, like his creator, has many irons in the fire.

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More wisdom from the brain of Lindsay Logan:

I mean we're talkin' like, upper and inner thigh action -bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body.

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1 If I was her manager, I would tell her to keep her panties on and her mouth shut.

Posted by: Jake at December 29, 2006 05:55 PM (V6rxT)

2 Easy there Jake, dumb sluts have their place in the universe too, particularly at closing time.

Posted by: Casca at December 29, 2006 06:20 PM (2gORp)

3 Oh, what, did Ms. Logan (*snicker*) lose control of a particularly active vibrator or something??? I mean ouch! Inner thigh bruises? What the hell, that's more than just the work of a few D cells there, don't'cha know. Car battery, minimum. VvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 29, 2006 09:25 PM (BjOjj)

4 Okay, I finally clicked the link (Oh, c'mon!! Not RTFA'ing is a time-honored habit on the web!). In a way, I'm disappointed. Nothing says cliched, " The (former) Drunken Party Ho" like amateur poledancing at a "Gentlemen's" club. Can't she at least try to be innovative in her party ho-ness? And dammit, if she's gonna be sashayin' around the brass pole, she'd better be two sheets and a bottle of Jack to the wind, and f*** that sobriety s***. Otherwise, she won't be relaxed enough to do it right. Nobody is relaxed enough to do it right unless they're two sips away from being fully honked. I have it on good authority that the professional poledancing rule is "slicker when liquored", and not even the skankiest ho - or best dancer, regardless of ho-ness - can be slinkey enough for the brass pole w/o a liberal application of liquid muscle-relaxant. Cas, back me up here: you can always tell the sober dancers on stage from the, er... slicker ones. Right???

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 29, 2006 09:44 PM (BjOjj)

5 wow, mondo, you are a font of knowledge. i think Lindsay is mediocre in just about everything she tries, acting, singing, even being a skank.

Posted by: annika at December 29, 2006 11:58 PM (1EshY)

6 I'll have to think about that. I've never been a fan of pole dancing, unless it's my pole. They tend to put that thing at the back of the stage, and I like a closeup view. I think LL was right in the first place when she said they were all "whores". I do believe that is their business; i.e. getting as much money as they can while giving as little away as possible. Kind of like... well I won't go there.

Posted by: Casca at December 30, 2006 12:12 AM (2gORp)

7 Again with the "Lindsay Logan"? Annie, are you drunk?!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 30, 2006 12:43 AM (ThlbL)

8 Well, you know, that's... uhhh... ummmm... errr... What I've been told. Yeeeaah! That's right! What people have told me! Not like I have any personal experience whatsoever on this topic ...

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 30, 2006 08:07 AM (BjOjj)

9 Spork, I think Anni's just trying to avoid the search engine hits from using LL's proper name. And getting all those love letters from buck-toothed, lonely, trailer-park loser hill-jacks (e.g. Bubba a.k.a "Lorenzo") thinking she's really LL herself, as well as as all those "love" letters from LL's fans commenting on her view of said (formerly) Drunken Party Ho. She's complained about the problem before. Hell, I think I'd do the same if I kept getting email & posts from the bubblegum and hormones set.

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 30, 2006 08:18 AM (BjOjj)

10 "bubblegum and hormones set", you're starting to sound like Shelly. Speaking of whom, I have not been receiving my daily dozen emails from him. Has anyone checked to see if he's still fogging a mirror? More likely, he's laying low in preparation for his Trojan ass fucking by the Wolverines on Monday. BTW Anni, congrats on creaming the aggies. They don't make as much noise after they've been beat.

Posted by: Casca at December 30, 2006 11:31 AM (2gORp)

11 I don't know Annika, I think she's got the skank thing mastered.

Posted by: Mike C. at December 31, 2006 06:48 AM (0Co69)

12 Sorry to disappoint, Cas, but I got away to the desert for 10 days R & R, and had to slow down the volume. The laptop is too small and it takes too long to use it. I wish I had the confidence in this game, tomorrow, but there are two USC teams here. I'm just not sure if the one that kicked the whoopie out of Notre Dame is going to show up, or the pussies who lost to UCLA will be there. If the real USC team shows up, it should be a good one; if not, it'll be an asskicking, and USC will have the proverbial one leg...

Posted by: shelly at January 01, 2007 04:31 AM (SLFj+)

13 OK, folks, all is right with the world tonight. USC showed why they will be ranked Number One again next season, but we'll have to wait another year until we can test against The Big Red Nutmegs. Casca reports that that the OSU blogs contain one that said "Who told USC that they could slap around our bitch?" Now, that is funny...except if you bleed blue.

Posted by: shelly at January 01, 2007 08:46 PM (SLFj+)

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Two years ago someone shot film of a giant squid swimming in the deep. Now someone's caught one. It's believed to be the first time anyone has ever done such a thing, ever.

Giant squid, formally called Architeuthis, are the world's largest invertebrates. Because they live in the depths of the ocean, they have long been wrapped in mystery and embellished in the folklore of sea monsters, appearing in ancient Greek myths or attacking the submarine in Jules Verne's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

The captured squid was caught using a smaller type of squid as bait, and was pulled into a research vessel "after putting up quite a fight," Kubodera said.

"It took two people to pull it in, and they lost it once, which might have caused the injuries that killed it," he said.

The squid, a female, was not fully grown and was relatively small by giant squid standards. The longest one on record is 60 feet, he said.

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I hope you all got exactly what you wanted!

h/t Pursuit.

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Quite simply, anything from MAD Magazine needs no introduction, save for the legal stuff: Copyright 1999, by E.C. Publications, this selection is from the December 1995, Super-Special #109 issue:

The Night Before Christmas, 1999 or St. Nicholas Meets the Population Explosion
(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the gloom
Not a creature was stirring;
There just wasn't room;
The stockings were hanging
In numbers so great,
We feared that the walls
Would collapse from the weight!

The children like cattle
Were packed off to bed;
We took a quick count;
There were three-hundred head;
Not to mention the grown-ups--
Those hundreds of dozens
Of uncles and inlaws
And twice-removed cousins!

When outside the house
There arose such a din!
I wanted to look
But the mob held me in;
With pushing and shoving
And cursing out loud,
In forty-five minutes
I squeezed through the crowd!

Outside on the lawn
I could see a fresh snow
Had covered the people
Asleep down below;
And up in the sky
What should strangely appear
But an overweight sleigh
Pulled by countless reindeer!

They pulled and they tugged
And they wheezed as they came,
And the red-suited driver
Called each one by name:
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, comet! On, Cupid!
On Donder and Blitzen!"

"Now, Melvin! Now, Marvin!
Now, Albert and Jasper!
On, Sidney! On, Seymour!
On Harvey and Casper!
Now, Clifford! Now, Max"--
But he stopped, far from through;
Our welcoming house-top
Was coming in view!

Direct to our house-top
The reindeer then sped
With the sleigh full of toys
And St. Nick at the head;
And then like an earthquake
I heard on the roof
The clomping and pounding
Of each noisy hoof!

Before I could holler
A warning of doom,
The whole aggregation
Fell into the room;
And under a mountain
Of plaster and brick
Mingled inlaws and reindeer
And me and St. Nick;

He panted and sighed
Like a man who was weary;
His shoulders were stooped
And his outlook was dreary:
"I'm way behind schedule,"
He said with a sigh,
"And I've been on the road
Since the first of July!"

'Twas then that I noticed
The great, monstrous sack,
Which he barely could hold
On his poor, creaking back;
"Confound it!" he moaned,
"Though my bag's full of toys,
I'm engulfed by the birthrate
Of new girls and boys!"

Then, filling the stockings,
He shook his sad face,
"This job is a killer!
I can't take the pace!
This cluttered old world
Is beyond my control!
There are even millions
Up at the North Pole!"

"Now I'm late!" he exclaimed, "And I really must hurry!
By now I should be over Joplin, Missouri!"
But he managed to sigh as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Posted by: Victor at 01:14 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Mince Pie

Posted by: Casca at December 27, 2006 10:07 AM (2gORp)

2 Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, The whole damn family was drunk as a louse. Ma just from the cathouse, and I from the jail, had just settled down for a good piece of tail. When out from the yard there arose such a clatter, I jumped off of Ma to see what's the matter. Away to the window I went like a flash Threw open the shutters and fell flat on my ass. When what to my old bloodshot eyes did appear, A fat assed old man & some run down reindeer Dressed all in red fur and pounding his d***, I knew that old bastard just had to be Saint Nick As drunk, and f***'d up - and I was the same -, he bitched and he swore and he called them by name. "On Donder, on Blitzen. Quick! Over the walls! Hurry now dammit, or I'll cut off your balls." Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell, And came down the chimney like a bat outta hell. He staggered and stumbled and couldn't stand right, That sonuvabitch, drunk, and high as a kite. He spoke not a word, but instead stood and hurled, Such a chunky bile stream, my hair went and curled. He put his finger up by his red nose, and stammered and slurred his dumb stupid prose. And I heard him slur this as he passed out of sight, "Piss on you all, it's one hell of a night".

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 27, 2006 03:16 PM (C6QSe)

3 My daughter occasionally reports learning at the high school that there are too many people in the world. Bunch o'crap, I tell her, but if there's a population explosion it's France's fault. I hear their government's paying young French families to have kids and stay home with them for the first few years.

Posted by: Joules at December 27, 2006 06:05 PM (u4CYb)

4 Man this place has major suckage going on. Anni must be crisping her incommunicado ass in a tropical third world hideaway. Gawd, I hope she's not stealing babies in Africa.

Posted by: Casca at December 28, 2006 08:50 AM (2gORp)

5 Damn you woman! How can you leave us in the hands of the village idiot? I've been reduced to going to the pathetic whiner Moxie's site where one can find an unending stream of self-absorbed pap disguised as thought. She pretends to be a conservative to confuse her adolescent admirers, but she is a defacto totalitarian. Besides being a snorefest, she sucks ass.

Posted by: Casca at December 28, 2006 09:40 AM (2gORp)

6 From A Christmas Carol: ``Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned: they cost enough: and those who are badly off must go there.'' ``Many can't go there; and many would rather die.'' ``If they would rather die,'' said Scrooge, ``they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

Posted by: annika at December 28, 2006 12:23 PM (1EshY)

7 Hey!!! Up yours, Cas! I'm the whole state's idiot, than you very much!! Hmmph... Villiage... Passed that level a long time ago...

Posted by: elmondohummus at December 28, 2006 03:48 PM (BjOjj)

8 Of course you have El. I was referring to the idiot who posts uninteresting day-old shit every Wednesday.

Posted by: Casca at December 28, 2006 10:27 PM (2gORp)

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Here's a quick movie recommendation: Little Miss Sunshine. I gave it four stars. The cast is fantastic (it's exhibit A for why the Academy should have a special Oscar for casting), especially Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin. The girl who plays Olive is wonderful. And Chloe from 24 has a small part in it.

It's black comedy with a nice message at the end. Go rent it.

Posted by: annika at 11:52 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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This is satirical, so it's okay to watch.

h/t Shelly, Cranky, Linda, Bluto, Allah, and Scott

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A masterful piece of photoshopping, if I do say so myself.

And I do.

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I checked out the Miss Nevada photos, and all I can say is she was working overtime. I can't believe she managed to do all that stuff in one night. She must have been exhausted afterwards. Listen, I had some wild times when I was her age, but dang gurl. Is there anyone in that room she didn't get funky on?

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Since I had two unscheduled bye weeks lately (I was too lazy and/or forgot to post by game time) I've chosen two sure winners as makeup games.

The first is tonight's matchup between NFC North rivals Minnesota and Green Bay, both 6 and 8. Brett Favre's middle name has been "interception" every time I pick Green Bay, it seems. But the key facts are these: 1) Minnesota is starting a rookie QB at Lambeau Field; 2) Favre is 40 and 5 at Lambeau when the temperature is below 35, as it will be tonight; and 3) this could be Favre's last home game in his career. Green Bay is favored by 3½ points and I say they will cover.

The next sure thing is Saturday night's game between AFC West rivals Kansas City and Oakland. The Raiders have given up on football this year. They have zero pride. I've never seen a professional sports team that cared less about anything. Plus, Al Davis wants that high draft pick so he can squander it yet again. Just lose, baby. Oakland is only a 6½ point underdog, but the opening line was 3½. I'd be surprised if even 3 people took Oakland with only three points. They'll lose by at least two touchdowns. This should be a slaughter and KC will beat the spread easily.

Parlay these two and laugh at the suckers later.

Update: Fuckin Favre, did it to me again!

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By the way, did anyone else see that lame Rob Lowe Christmas movie the other night? The ending was just about the stupidest ending conceivable. Anyways, Mike Novick was in it. He played Rob Lowe's father. I kept wanting him to say "mister president I urge you to reconsider..."

h/t Mr. Atoz

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From Dawn:

I have figured out the meaning of life.
I would tell you, but it would blow your minds.

* Name changed so as not to look like I stole it or anything like that.

Posted by: annika at 08:31 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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How do you spell mischievous?

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In 1922, as he was finding his voice, e.e. cummings wrote this poem of a tree, as seen thru the eyes of a small child.

little tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower

who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly

i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don't be afraid

look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,

put up your little arms
and I'll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won't be a single place dark or unhappy

then when you're quite dressed
you'll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they'll stare!
oh but you'll be very proud

and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we'll dance and sing
"Noel Noel"

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Imagine what this nation would be like if the media replaced all their stories about starlets behaving badly with stories about women like Sgt. Kristi J. Artigue.

“I’ve always been a risk taker,” said Artigue, 23, now a medic with the 141st Medical Company [Connecticut Army National Guard].

On Nov. 10, Artigue called upon the skills learned during her six years of National Guard service -- including a recent deployment to Iraq -- to help save the life of a man who may have drowned.

. . .

“Tom,” a middle-aged man, had suffered a seizure and fallen into a section of the West River. Unable to swim, he struggled to remain above the surface with the help of several civilians and two West Haven police officers. The chain was trying to hang on until the local fire department rescue crew could arrive . . .

Then the life-defining event happened.

“He let loose,” said Artigue, “and went under for one or two seconds. Long enough to know he wasn’t going to be coming up again. And he was moving out farther from the shore toward the center of the river.”

At that point, Artigue let her training take over. The nursing student and Iraq War veteran jumped into the freezing water and swam out about ten feet to where Tom was struggling for air.

“It was too cold to talk,” said Artigue, “but I grabbed his vest and tried to keep him above the water. He grabbed a hold of me and started to pull me down with him, but I was able to drag him by his vest to shore.”

. . . On a cold November day, coming out of cold, moving water, communication was difficult, but Artigue was able to keep Tom talking and conscious until emergency crews arrived.

A future trauma nurse, Artigue plans to use her experiences in the Guard and in Iraq to save as many lives as possible.

“Since Iraq,” she said, “I’ve learned to adapt and overcome. I saw what was happening and I had no option but to get involved because of not only my medical training, but also because of my personal responsibility.

“I will always appreciate my military experience. It’s something I would never give up,” said Artigue.

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Trump tells the story:

She left a small town in Kentucky, and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York . . . It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and to many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple, and they found out it wasn't so easy.

Sounds like something Steve Perry once sang:

Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin anywhere

Or (long as we're quoting SF bands), as the great Rob Weir once sang:

What in the world ever became of sweet Jane?
She lost her sparkle, you know she isn't the same
Living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine
all a friend can say is ain't it a shame . . .

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I need to get something up on the front page here. YouTube to the rescue!

This is Nina Simone, singing Rogers and Hart. It took a long time for Nina to get ready to sing, as you will see. But she was quite a performer. Enjoy.

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Thank you TIME Magazine.

You still suck.

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Sometimes, a poem leaps out and practically forces me to pick it for Poetry Day. I found this one in a book entitled Echoes: Poems Left Behind, a collection of poetry by John Ciardi that was published after his death in 1986. It's possible Mr. Ciardi never intended it to be published, or perhaps he wasn't satisfied with it and intended to take it out again in a few years, look at it with fresh eyes, and polish it until it was shining.

I chose this one because it was written 27 years ago today.

December 13, 1979
Three squirrels wound and sprung to this remitted
December day chase tumble tails on the lawn.
They must be winter-sure in the elm, permitted
by a plenty in its boles. There's not one acorn
on or under the oak. They go to go.
But why this lawn party? I think they know

the dog is old and stiff, his monster slacked.
His ears tense toward them but it takes four
deliberate heaves to get his hind legs cocked
as if to spring. And what shall he spring for?
There is no energy after energy.
He quivers feral, but then looks at me

as if I might serve them to him in a dish
like Greeks godsent to the ogre. Of my guilt
that I have uncreatured a world to this mish-mash
whine and quiver half-down in the silt
of a sludged instinct, I toss him a soy bone.
He settles for my bogus and settles down.

And the squirrels spin, almost as if they flew,
to the top of the split shake fence, into the spruce,
across it over the roof, over the yew
and into the hemlock thicket, fast and loose,
as fast as easy, around and around again
in the feast of being able to. Amen.

Posted by: Victor at 08:20 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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another flashback sequence...

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